How I Dealt With Miscarriage As A Man

The nurse’s face said it all.

I’d been sat squeezing the hand of my wife as she lay there with a nurse searching around inside of her. It felt like the longest moment of my life and ,as the seconds ticked by, I increasingly lost hope that our baby was still alive and kicking.

I didn’t look at my wife as the nurse’s eyes flicked around the ultrasound monitor. Instead, I stared intently at the nurse’s face, looking for any sign of recognition of a heartbeat showing on the monitor.

The moment that I was dreading eventually arrived. That slight grimace on her lips. That flash of disappointment that ran across her face before she quickly regained her composure. Anyone not paying attention may not have seen it, but I was staring so intently that I saw it straight away. This nurse has no doubt carried out this test hundreds of times before, but the dread of having to tell a young couple that they’ve lost their baby must always be in her mind during these moments. After all, she’s only human.

Because of what I saw I already knew that it was over before the nurse opened her mouth to say ‘I’m so sorry, but there isn’t a heartbeat’. But those words were always going to be a punch to the gut and they just confirmed what we’d been dreading for a couple of days.

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Back To Blogging

Well, here we go I guess.

Yes, I’m back! Not that anyone really noticed that I’d gone. I was hardly pulling in thousands of hits a day and I didn’t have a thriving community where we discussed every topic under the sun. I suppose that’s why it’s easy for me to start again as I’m not really leaving anything behind. Plus, since blogging is apparently making a comeback, I figured that now was better than ever.

My old blog, No Signal Input, has been dead for a few years now. Given how old it was, I’m a bit gutted about that. But at the same time, I wanted a fresh start. I’d got to the point where I was just fed up with it and didn’t know where to go with it.

No Signal Input was mostly focused on gaming, which is all well and good because that’s one of my main hobbies. But as much as I like talking and writing about games, I don’t want a website that’s completely focused on it. I want a website where I can talk about whatever takes my fancy, and I don’t want to be bogged down in a ‘niche’ like all those blogs that profess to teach you how to make millions blogging say you absolutely MUST do. Hence this blogs current strapline, ‘screw having a niche’. I’ll probably change that at some point in the future, but it’ll do for now.

I just want to write.

I want to write about whatever I want to write about. I don’t want to be forced into what I should write about.

Sure, I’ll probably write about gaming a bit, but I don’t want my blog to be solely about gaming. If I’ve read a good book I want to write a review. If I’ve seen a good film or watched something excellent on TV then I want to write about that. I want to highlight comics I read, and I want to share cool things that I find on the Internet. I also want to write more about my personal life and the travels we go on as a couple. So, if I’ve been somewhere nice, or eaten somewhere I’ve loved, expect me to write about it.

I’m not here to build an audience of thousands. I’m not here to become a millionaire off my words. I’m hardly the best writer in the world, although I’m fully aware that people who’ve made a living off writing don’t always have exceptional writing skills. All I’m here for is to write for me, to write things that I want to write about. Blogging was initially created as an online diary of sorts; somewhere to express your thoughts and feelings, so I want to embrace that again.

I’ve been writing online since around 2003 and somewhere along the way I started blogging about things I didn’t really want to write about. It was simply to fulfill some bullshit advice that the SEO blogging community seems to vomit out all the time. I don’t want to be part of that. I want to have fun writing this blog and I never want to see this as a chore again. If I pick up a few readers along the way then that’s brilliant, but I’ll continue writing here regardless of whether anyone is reading it or not. I’ll always keep the comments open and I’m always happy to engage with anyone who wants to talk.

Finally, I need to stop worrying about whether what I’ve written is any good. Part of the reason I stopped writing a lot is that I didn’t think it was any good. But some of the best writers in the world struggle with publishing the final version, and I’m willing to bet that many go to press wondering how they could have improved it further. Now I’m far from one of the best writers in the world, but I am always worrying about how good something I wrote is. This fear blocks me from putting pen to paper as I start to believe that there isn’t any point.

Of course, I’m wrong about that. Everyone can improve if they continue to do something enough, and I’m never going to improve my writing skills if I refuse to write at all. I love writing and I often feel my writing reads like I’ve just thrown everything out from my brain. But that’s cathartic for me. It makes me feel much better and gives me a wonderful release at the end of a busy day or week. I’m going to challenge myself to write regularly and write about different things. That’s why I don’t want to put myself in a ‘niche’. I want to be as open as possible.

So, if you got this far then welcome! Who knows what you’ll find if you ever come back?